Photo Credit: Christian Beirle Gonzalez

focusing on one thing at a time and believing in it, and seeing it through. He uses the metaphor of planting a seed, saying that you can’t spray water across the field and expect much of it to get to the one seed you planted. But if you continually plant and water in the right area, God will give the increase. I love it!

This is why I don’t get excited when people give me their (often unsolicited) advice for what I should do as a new author. I’ve heard that I should now:

- start a nonprofit
- team up with a local “megachurch”
- do a book tour all over the country
- get a show on blogtalkradio

I should do all of this to get to “the next level”? Now?

I can tell that some of the people who gave me this advice A) do not run a business of their own and/or B) have not counted the cost (time and money) of such endeavors.

It took me almost 2 years to develop, write and produce my first book independently, and I have goals for it, but at this point in my life I am not going to take on more than I can handle. I also refuse to do what everyone else is doing just for the sake of saying “I did that, too.” It takes due diligence, research, and coaching to get to any “next level.”

I don’t blog every day, I don’t post on my social media sites every day, and I don’t answer every email the moment I get it. I’m pacing myself and reserving my energy these days for the opportunities and activities that I enjoy, or that I deem necessary to promote my brand and causes I believe in. None of the activities suggested to me are inherently wrong, but this may not be the time to do it. I’ve talked to people for example, who started nonprofits that are totally inactive at present (due to lack of funding, a shift in purpose, poor planning, or all three). I’m in no hurry to try the plethora of marketing programs out there to help me make more money, speak better, etc. They may be good, and they may work, but the sheer number of them is overwhelming. If I can’t discern a good fit for my goals and assured that I won’t be taken advantage of (my time or money), then I don’t need it in my life right now.

My next level may not include being on the New York Times Bestseller List. My next level may not be getting a show on OWN. I discuss my goals on this blog often and those types of things are just not what I’m focused on right now. And maybe that’s a good thing. Because sometimes the best things in life just come to you, and sometimes you have to work for them. Either way, I want whatever God has for me to do– not what you think I should do.

It’s been a really close call, as I’m 30 days from my “dual” book release date. Along the way, I’ve been with not 1, not 2, but 4 different web developers in the past 3 months (!!) trying to get my site updated. I almost liken it to the dreaded “dating game.”

The Blind Date

Any adult who’s ever been single can probably relate: you take the time to learn someone’s likes, dislikes, personality and nuances. You talk at length about what you don’t want from a relationship, from them, or both (and that’s not a typo–everyone doesn’t know what they actually want). You decide whether you and that person are a good fit, and whether you consider them marriage material (if you’re serious).

Now imagine sharing your vision, writing instructions, explaining your wants and needs, shelling out hundreds of dollars (sometimes up front), transferring umpteen files, and making phone calls and sending emails that often go unreturned/replied to…. only to get repeated slow or “no show” performance, and quitters. The worst part is when it’s a referral, because someone vetted that person for you (like a blind date).

You trusted someone’s (professional) opinion and recommendation (e.g., “Oh, I know someone who does that!” or “I’ve got the person for you”), and you want to believe they’re on point!

The Aftermath

The creative process is hard enough when you’ve got your own ideas, but when it comes to a collaborative creative process where you involve others’ ideas of what you want (that was not a typo), it becomes even more of a challenge. So many things like this have happened on the way to publishing in the past 6 months, but I consider it to be training ground and fodder for another “lessons learned” book for my fellow would-be writer colleagues and indie publisher friends.

Oh yeah… and now we’re just one month from the official, “dual” book launch!

Got comments on my new site? Let me know what you think. Know of a speaking event where my message is needed? Contact me.

Photo Credit: Purestock

When faced with a dilemma, some of us who believe in prayer may not always pray first before asking for a person’s opinion on what we should do about the situation. Sometimes prayer is used as a last resort. I like Joyce Meyer’s line, “Don’t run to the phone, run to the throne.” I have a tendency to want answers fast, so I have to take that advice just like the next person. However, I believe that God can and does use people to speak through, and I know that God has used me many times in the situations where someone has not prayed yet, or has prayed but is waiting for an answer.

If I give you my opinion about your situation, I’m probably going to tell you what I would do based on my own personal experience. The advice I give you is personal and I may even feel strongly about it because it comes from me. That’s what I did in my book (in part).

However, if I give you a message from the Spirit within me, that is, letting God speak through me to address or confirm something you’re contemplating, I take that very seriously and I do not shoot off at the mouth carelessly or emotionally. Further, I am so serious and so unemotional about it–even if I care about the situation as much as you do–that it’s ok with me if you don’t like what I say. Why? Because:

- I didn’t own the message.
- The message wasn’t for me–it was just for you.

It’s not about me being right, it’s about me…

- being obedient, and
- keeping quiet about my own opinion (especially if it could lead you astray)

I can’t control how you react when I give you the message, or even whether you truly receive it as intended. My responsibility when I get a message for you is to deliver it at the right time, and in the right manner (see “obedient” above). I won’t debate with you or engage in a lot of “back and forth” on the subject.

After all, when you know something is the truth—you don’t have the need to defend it or justify it. It’s the truth. And if you don’t believe me, time will tell.

- *Special thanks to G2 for contributing to this post.

We–some of us–do not engage each other enough on the level to see what’s behind common phrases such as, “How are you?”

I remember times in 2009 and 2010 when I told people I was writing a book, and often they would ask, “What’s it about?,” which is a fair question in and of itself. But some of the people I was in touch with regularly, it didn’t register, and they would ask again and again. I didn’t really think about it until I received my first printed book recently and started showing it to folks. As they held the book in their hands, most of the comments were praise and astonishment that I completed my goal.

Writing books is no joke, and a lot of people who say they want to do it or are going to do it, do not ever even try. I didn’t say, “I’m writing a book” to get a reaction from someone, make them care about my project, or look at me differently. Once I said it, I knew I was going to do it.

It surprised me how surprised THEY were, because I know me, and they know me–they know I’m a goal-getter. As hard as writing my first book was at times (the process–not the actual writing), I knew I could not give up because I was called to write this book, and I am pretty ambitious. I believe that you give your time to the things that matter most to you. That being said, I push myself harder than anyone else ever could when it comes to my goals.

I do what I say I’m going to do– for myself and for others.

What matters most to you? You have to figure out what you want, and be ready for the opportunity. Get yourself a mentor, coach, or other accountability partner to help you stay focused. When considering your accountability partner, choose someone you respect enough that you will not easily dismiss him or her. In so doing, you’re more apt to consider that they might be right (even if you don’t initial agree).

Your Word is Your Bond

In starting my business last year, I’ve come across a lot of flakes.

- So-called professionals who do not keep deadlines.
- Contractors who are not accountable.
- Unscrupulous folks who want to get money without putting in work.
- People who are not serious.

When I was writing my book, I had control. I decided when to write, or not. What to call each chapter. How to name my publishing company. There was very little about my book that I could not control during the writing and editing process. While I was in that mode, I thought it was hard but I hadn’t yet started pre-production.

I know my scalp is healthy, but I must have “dandruff” written on my forehead–where are all these flakes coming from?

So What Are You Saying?

Sometimes when you say you’re going to do something, you have the best of intentions. But what is on your plate? Do you have too many responsibilities to take on one more thing– even it it means a little more cash in your bottom line? And when you find yourself in that predicament, when you realize that it’s just too much to handle, what does it take to ‘fess up and admit that you’re in over your head and cannot deliver “the goods” as promised? Your “say” and your “do” should match.

Be consistent. Get honest with yourself. You’ll save your clients, your friends, and yourself so much grief (the earlier the better).

Something I’ve learned in the past few months is that it’s hard to weed through potential candidates to figure out who will deliver quality work on time. Despite earning my M.S. in Management in 2004, I’ve never wanted to be a manager in the corporate world and that’s a skill of discernment I’m trying to hone better as in my entrepreneur-life. So although I’ve been saying this for months, now I really mean it: I’ve got new videos coming on my publishing Youtube channel really soon. I shot several videos on location a while back; the hold-up was finding someone who was willing AND ready to do the video editing for me… Check!

I’ve also recently added a second companion book, the “What’s Wrong With Me? Reflections Journal,” which is a journal in workbook form that allows girls to do some honest self-reflection on the concepts presented in “What’s Wrong With Me?”

Credit: Angela Bax

This month I’ve given myself permission to take a break from blogging for a bit because I was overwhelmed with all the social media “to-do” stuff (in preparing for my book launch in February). But birthdays always make me reflect so I knew this post wouldn’t be hard to write. I chuckled when I looked at my post from last year and decided to do a comparison along with my update.

The Top 5 “Ballsy” Things I Did This Year (in reverse chronological order)

Traded in my lovely SUV (that I only had for two months) for a car
Started dating for the first time in the “A”
Lost about 30 pounds in 5 weeks
Established Kharacter Distinction Books
Started two YouTube channels (its not easy to watch yourself on video)

The Top 5 Things I Learned This Year

How to two-strand twist my daughter’s hair– and mine.
Choreography to Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” (yes, 3 years later)
Hiring good help for your business is a trial-and-error process (I hope all my errors are behind me now).
It is easier–and emotionally healthier– to cut someone off than I ever thought possible.
When people can see your heart, they’ll support you.

From 2010, with commentary: The Top 6 Things I Want to Do Next Year (That I Haven’t Done)

Publish my book. (I’m about 80 days away!)
Build a minimum 6-month emergency fund. (The book publishing process wiped that out)
Get more paid writing and speaking gigs. (Not yet, but I hired a speaking coach to help me)
Join the NSA Academy. (Attended some NSA Georgia meetings but that’s all for now)
Attend a writer’s conference. (Not that interested in this these days)
Earn another Toastmasters award, and get closer to Distinguished Toastmaster (DTM).  (Not a high priority anymore, but I earned an ACS this year.)

Now: The Top 7 Things I Want to Do in 2012

Get back to the Y (I miss Turbokickboxing)
Become fluent in [Latin American] Spanish (I plan on starting a foreign language certificate program at Emory University next semester).
Learn a new graphic design package (maybe InDesign or Photoshop CS) and/or video editing skills.
Expand my business out of my comfort zone by partnering with complementary youth and Christian organizations.
Speak at more conferences and presenting to more organizations across the Mid-atlantic and Southeast regions.
Publish my first book, companion journal, Cds, ebooks, etc.
Finish writing my second book.

5 Things I’m Going to Keep Doing in 2012

Line dances.
Dating/courting only those worthy of my time (not settling).
Encouraging girls and young women to accept and love themselves.
Being a great example to my daughter.
Making my family and God proud of me.

How are you feeling about your 2011? What changes do you plan to make?

Credit: Digital Vision

I recall a story about a woman baking a ham for her family during the holidays. Every year as part of her holiday meal preparations, she made a ham, and she always cut off both ends of the ham before putting it into the baking pan. Her daughter saw this as a girl year after year, and when she grew up and had a family of her own, she did the same thing–she prepared a ham and cut off both ends of it before placing it in the oven.

One day her little girl saw this and asked, “Why do you cut off both ends of your ham before you put it in the oven?”

The woman replied, “I don’t know… it’s something your Gramma always did, and so I do it too.” But it got her thinking. She called her mother and asked about it: “Mom, why do you always cut off both ends of a ham before baking it?”

She said, “Oh… I used to do that a long time ago when we only had one pan. That pan wasn’t big enough, so I always had to cut the ham to make it fit.”

***

Cutting off the ends of a ham is little more than a waste– it doesn’t have a big effect on the world, but what about some of your habits or beliefs? Do you do, think, or hold a certain opinion about something just because someone else you like or admire does?

Do you blindly follow a tradition that is meaningless to you? Do you celebrate a holiday or anniversary of an event that you do not fully understand, or that has lost its meaning sometime since your childhood?

Do you continue to follow and implement rules in your organization or church because “that’s the way it’s always been done”?

If so, there’s no logic to why– you do it “just because.” But if you always do what you’ve always done, is that progress?

Do you know why you do the things you do?

Credit: Photodisc

Did you watch the “Kardashian Event” earlier this month?  Celebutante Kim Kardashian got married for the second time to 26-year-old NBA baller Kris Humphries, and for most of the 4-hour glimpse into their wedding planning, Kim and Kris (her mother) made lots of decisions about the wedding with Kris’ (the fiance’s) thoughts and opinions about logistics (everything from the registry to Kim’s last name) as an afterthought.

It was this “event” that I thought of–wedding planning–when a married male friend of mine lamented about how many women do not consider involving their spouse in their daily activities of life post-wedding either. What follows is a guest post he penned. Single ladies, consider this as #foodforthought.

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Life is good…..we start our life together, the rings are shiny, the weekend get-a-ways are fantastic, and there’s plenty of money in the bank.  Things are looking good and I’m ‘da man.

Unfortunately, like millions of other men out there, I’ve found that life can definitely throw some curve-balls that keep you guessing what’s next.  This shouldn’t be something that brings me down, but what happens when the person I’ve joined in covenant with turns out to be a fair-weather friend?

“For better or for worse” turned out to only apply to her.

“In sickness and in health” turned out to only apply to her.

“For richer, for poorer” turned out to only apply to her.

I mean, do these vows actually commit BOTH parties to something, or is it simply a procedure used to rope a man into something that can, and will, be used against him at a date yet to be determined?

I watched a movie a while back called “Not Easily Broken” [starring Morris Chestnut] and I honestly felt that someone had secretly observed my life and made a movie about it.  I don’t mind if that’s what happened; I just wish they had thought to break me off a few dollars for doing so. I’m not going to spoil the film, but I’d suggest you watch it and see if you can relate or connect with the story.

I asked my wife to watch the movie and she totally missed the point. Instead of connecting with the view I’ve been trying to get across to her for years, she could only think to ask if I was wanting her to watch the movie in an effort to confess something I’d done wrong. (When you watch the movie, you’ll understand what I mean.)

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to portray myself as a saint, but I don’t think it should be so much work to love the one you’re with.

Perhaps they should revise the vows to read something like this:

I, (name), take you (name), to be my lawful (wife/husband), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, with job and without, when I have a headache and when you don’t, in sickness and in health, to love, pleasure, and cherish; from this day forward until death do us part.  I further agree and acknowledge that I, and I, alone and responsible for everything that comes out of my mouth (good AND bad).

Okay, I meant that to read easily, but you get the point.  There has to be more to this marriage thing that what’s convenient for one party (men OR women).

Working to have a good marriage is NOT the same as trying not to have a bad one.

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QUESTION: What do you think your wedding plans say about your relationship and your future marriage?

I was brought up to value the special place women had in the family.  They were daughters, sisters, wives, mothers, and more.  They were blessed with being the very first love of children and keepers of the home.  Women, from my perspective, kept the family on track.  Even women that weren’t married carried themselves in such a way as to demand a certain level of respect, just because they were a woman.  Even if you didn’t like a particular woman, you respected her as such and always wanted to be respectful.

The Problem Is…

Sadly, it seems that somewhere along the line, women decided that being a woman was a dirty word.  Women decided that they needed to feel equal to a man.  I’m not talking about simply wanting to be paid the same wages for performing the same work; I’m talking about actually taking on some of the same traits, mannerisms, and even nasty attitudes.  Women got busy going to school, getting jobs, and putting off marriage and family.  All of a sudden, it was more important to be an equal and not need a man for anything than it was to actually value who you were; a woman.

Is there any wonder why men struggle with understanding modern women?  On one hand, they want all the traditional courtesies and considerations given a women of generations past, while on the other thinking it okay to roll their eyes at their man because he asked for a glass of water.  I mean, “Why can’t he just get up and get his own glass of water?”

Credit: Lifesize

It seems that today’s man has to spend a lot of time sparring with women instead of loving them.  Is that supposed to inspire love and affection, or does the modern woman even need those things anymore.  After all, she has her on money, her own house, her own career, and if she happened to have a baby along the way, she even has a courthouse full of people eager to make sure she gets paid for being a mom… oh, I forgot, that money is for the kid.

I’ve never seen such arrogance as I do with today’s women.  What really makes it worse is to see them online talking about how there aren’t any good men, how men are scared of a “strong woman”, and how men are just dogs who only want sex.  These women actually want to play the “victim-card” like they don’t play any part in their dilemma.

Case in Point

I don’t have a problem with ‘Strong Women’, I have a problem with women who’ve traded in everything that made them special in order to be something they aren’t.

Here’s an example….

Think back over the last few times you’ve heard a mother talk about having children… okay, you got it?

Now think about what she was saying.  Was she reflecting on the incredible bond she has with her children?  Was she talking about how, despite the pain, she wouldn’t trade it for the world.  Was she talking about how blessed she felt to bring life into the world? Okay, hold that thought….

On the other hand, was she talking about how she should have special privileges because of her “pain and suffering” during pregnancy?  Was she talking about men just don’t understand what she went through?  Was she using it as an example of how ‘strong’ she was?

My experience is definitely more in the latter example.  In fact, I hear women talking like that all the time, as if they need a medal pinned on them for having a child instead of reveling in the honor.  Sure it was painful, but most things truly worth having are that way, right?

What’s Your Role?

I’m of the mind that says today’s woman has no idea what she wants.  On the one hand she wants to be tough-as-nails, but expects a man to see her as a delicate flower.  Today’s woman wants to be equal even in ways she does not have the physical capacity to be equal.  Today’s woman wants to talk like a sailor, smoke like a chimney, and fight like a wild dog, all while thinking some man is going to see her as a comforting partner.

Credit: Image Source

Let’s be brutally honest, men aren’t afraid of women.  We’re afraid of women who don’t value who they are and what they offer.  We’re afraid of women with emotional holes in them because of what they’ve traded in order to be like a man.

There used to be a saying that said “Behind every great man there’s a great woman.”  If you ask most women, they would whole-heartedly agree with the statement.  I wonder how people would fill in the statement if it read “Behind every failed man is a __________ woman?”  Would today’s woman be as eager to assume responsibility for a man’s failure as she would for his success?  Some women point to a successful man and talk about how they “trained them well”, but where are those women that would admit they are the reason a man never became anything?  I’m just asking.

Of note to me is the fact that I see credit given to mothers when people succeed and credit given to fathers when people fail.  Why is that?  Where are those mothers that told their kids they wouldn’t amount to anything because their father wasn’t bout nothing anything?  Where are those mothers like the one in the movie “Precious” that hold their children back because of their own dependencies and problems?”

Does all this mean that women are bad?  Absolutely NOT!

So Where Do We Go From Here?

As any therapist would tell people that come to counseling, they both have to be willing to accept some responsibility for the relationship.  When it comes to relationships between men and women, the same holds true.  Men aren’t perfect and we understand that women aren’t perfect either.  The sooner we can come to a place where it’s okay to be open and vulnerable, we can’t move forward.  The real tragedy in that is that our failure to change would only mean this fruitless war between us continues.  Worse still is the fact that this war has no winners; only losers.