Warring Against the Odds

What follows is a guest post from a man who is playing a tug of war in his relationship with his firstborn daughter, which is being threatened by her mother. If you can relate, please feel free to comment.

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As a non-custodial parent, I can attest to the battle that rages every day in courtrooms and living rooms around this country over issues of child support, child custody, and more.  These private wars take on a life of their own when you add in lawyers, judges, counselors, evaluators, case handlers, etc.; all people will little to no interest in the actual outcome of the decisions they make or the lives they affect.

Source: Ontario Family Law Blog

I don’t like having third parties involved in matters affecting my child, but there’s something I dislike even more.  That’s coming to the realization that my child’s mother has been mentally poisoning my child to believe that she is a victim of some kind and that daddy hates mommy.  I was shocked when I realized that matters handled at the courthouse were being discussed and shared openly with this child.

When asked why she would be sharing this with a pre-teen, the mother’s response was “well, she deserves to know what’s going on with her.  Since this affects her, she has a right to know.”  Really?  I don’t think so.

On to the Next: Let’s Hear Men Out

Many publishing insiders agree that a prolific writer/author is a working, money-earning one. Thus, I gotta keep it moving.  So I’m on to the next project, party people. My cousin put a bug in my ear and I’m running with it.

After breaking the news that his nearly 20-year marriage was ending when he didn’t want it to, he admitted something to me:

He doesn’t want to be single, but he can’t keep living a joyless life.

He wants to be in a loving relationship with a woman who will support him emotionally, encourage him, love him unconditionally, make love to him unconditionally (these are wants, people), and celebrate his successes with him as they raise a family together. Is that too much to ask?

Apparently so.

Credit: Workbook

What will take to get the Black family unit unified? To keep people committed to marriage for the long haul? Why do some men have multiple children without marrying any of their mothers? What does it take for them to find and hold onto true love? How can we make broken home the minority, and the 50+ year wedding anniversaries commonplace?

We wrestled with these and other questions during a 5-hour impromptu brainstorming session (yes–FIVE HOURS on the phone), lots of pacing, lots of note-taking, and story-trading, and thus came up with an idea for a new book.  For the sake of comparison, think of it as a cross between The Conversation by Hill Harper, and Steve Harvey’s books, with just one thing missing.

YOUR voice.

We want a variety of voices on this thing. I don’t want to just write what I think from my limited experience of being a man (that would be zip), or what experts say (although I will include them in a special capacity).

 

Black Men, We Need You!

Credit: Digital Vision

As my friend and partner Myles W. Miller lamented to me recently, the media is on a campaign to make sure people believe that Black men are a lost cause, or a throwaway species that don’t care about love or family, but that’s of course not the case. By perpetuating this myth, the media continues to make money. There’s money in scandalous reality TV. There’s money in lots of drama-inducing behaviors we see in our community, but there’s no money in positivity? Positive news doesn’t sell.

By interviewing Black men directly, I can use their voices and allow women to “hear them out.” So I’m recruiting interviews from never-married/separated/divorced fathers ages 35 and up to contribute via written essay or phone interview, and will present advice and recommendations from experts as well.

 

Can You Help?

We’d love to say that our book will reduce divorce statistics, help marriages stay together, give solutions and ideals on  how things could be better,  help Black couples build together, and heal Black families.  But we’d like to give it a shot.

My goal, my plea, my call to you, is to help me get 100+ participants in this project. I want to talk to men of color all over the U.S. , especially Black men, to give us their side of the story about what it’s like to:

• be a single dad
• be punished for being a responsible man because other dudes who ain’t $*#@ (a.k.a. baggage)
• try to accept real love from a woman when you don’t know how to receive it
• being a great dad when you didn’t have one or it wasn’t modeled to you as a child
• ______________ (insert your relationship/co-parenting issue here)

Are you interested in contributing your reflection via phone or written essay? I promise, I won’t put you on blast. Here are the criteria:

• Black Males
• Age: 35 and up
• Status:  single dad/ divorced / separated / co-habitating  (NOTE:  If you’re newlywed, you can still be considered if you recently transitioned from being a single dad.)

Email me: info [at] dareeallen [dot] net and let’s get this party started.

When the Blues Don’t Move, Part 1: The Stigma and the Shame

Sometimes it’s an invisible pain. Sometimes Mommy hurts and you don’t even know it. This is my story of depression, looking back.

NOTE: As fate would have it, I pitched this entire story (parts 1 and 2) to several women’s publications and they  were all rejected. But because I feel this is such a strong, and sometimes still taboo subject, the message needs to get out there. Maybe it can help someone you know.

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Those tiny toes. That soft, curly hair. A newborn baby brings so much joy to a family. But when I held my baby for the first time, I was in disbelief thinking, “What do I do now?” I didn’t bond with my firstborn immediately. Was something wrong with me? Why did I feel this way? How do you deal with the scary uncertainties of becoming a first time mother?

I wasn’t a teenager when I had my daughter. But even as a married, educated 26-year-old working for a Fortune 100 company, I felt more unsure of myself than ever before. And it took years for me to grow close to my daughter and see her as more of a blessing than a burden.

Fast forward five years, and I still didn’t quite have a grasp of how to balance motherhood, working at home, and my own ambitious personal goals. I figured it was just my problem. I figured that my snappy attitude and low tolerance for my child’s misbehavior was simply a characteristic of my impatient personality. I told myself to “suck it up” and deal with it, because in life, stuff happens. I didn’t know I was depressed.

Terrie M. Williams, celebrity publicist and author of Black Pain: It Just Looks Like We’re Not Hurting, knows what I mean from her own experience with depression. “As African Americans, we don’t acknowledge our pain and we don’t speak about it,” Williams says. “Our attitude is, ‘Don’t tell your business to other people,’ because it’s a sign of weakness. From the days of slavery on, you’re taught to have the attitude that you do what you have to do, and you don’t complain.”

Letting Go

Self-deception is very dangerous. It will have you holding on to something or someone WAY longer than you should.

People often re-evaluate their lives and assess their goals in January. This is a time of year when many couples break up/initiate a divorce. I am grateful that God closed doors in my past so I can discern which ones to knock on (never mind walk through).

I encourage you to walk away from and let go of anything or anyone that is holding you back from your purpose and even basic things you need to do to get your mind/health/money right. Nothing can hold you back unless you let it, him, or her do so. Don’t let friends OR family suck your resources dry. Don’t let anyone use you except the Lord! He’ll give you double for your trouble (see the scripture reference in Job 42:10).

Strongholds and spiritual warfare are real! The battle is in your mind and your spirit first. Pray and ask for strength and endurance. Lean on God and divine friendships, not those who will take advantage of you while you’re down. Ask for God’s will to be done in your life.