I met Dr. Alduan Tartt a couple of weeks ago at an event that had a lot going on. We had small talk there, and then it got busy. Later, but a friend invited me to a more “settled” gathering that he hosted. There, he and another psychologist, Pam Thompson, talked to a group of us about relationships. Tartt is the author of The Ring Formula, and together they answered questions about relationships. I just want to highlight a few tidbits from the event.
One of the first things that caught my attention, early in the evening, is when Tartt explained a truth with an analogy: He said that a Rolex costs $10K, and because you know this, you would never expect to go into a store and buy it for $500. But the way some women give themselves away, they are discounting and grossly undervaluing themselves. Do you know your worth? Tartt went on to say that you shouldn’t discount yourself, or worse–discount yourself in the beginning, and then try to raise the price later. He said no man will go for it. I never thought about it that way. Furthermore, he said a man will not respect you being the side chick if that’s how you start off together.
You attract what you are. Men can sense it if you’re desperate.
Don’t be afraid to leave a man, but make sure he knows what he stands to lose if he loses you.
Men are hunters. When they’re ready to settle down, they don’t play. Although they are traditionally the ones “in pursuit” of a mate, Tartt advised women who wanted to meet men for relationships to position themselves in places where the type of men they desire hang out or network. This is the way women can “pursue” men. He went on to tell us women, “Buy your own first drink. It will impress a man that you are not waiting for someone to buy you a drink. It also gives an opening for a man who is checking you out. For example, ‘Whatever that lady is drinking, send her another one from me.’ Go to places like sports bars, fraternity conferences, political functions–even volunteer at a special event like 100 Black Men. The odds will be in your favor…” women will get lots of attention because there are very few women at those types of events.
So many women are not really living their life. Don’t wait to start living. You can attract someone with similar interests. Plug into life and connect with like-minded people.
Poor boundaries lead to depression, anxiety and loneliness. Say no to things that you don’t want and aren’t good for you. Consistency is the key to breakthrough, whether you’re trying to lose weight or achieve any other goal. Be selective about who you take into your heart and your body. Be willing to let go of a relationship. You get what you tolerate.
The language of women is words. With men, it’s action. Pay attention not to what he says, but what he does.
Two separate standards: humanitarianism/social work/agape love (attracting all the stray cats and “rescuing” people), vs. mate selection: compatibility in heart, body, and soul.
Have fun getting to know people with no agenda. You never know what might happen.
Don’t be too hard on yourself. Her mother told her, ‘Don’t ever feel bad for trying to love somebody’. Not everyone can honor appreciate, and respect your love.
Unfortunately, a stigma still exists in the Black community when it comes to therapy. I have covered this extensively, but just want to reiterate that there is nothing wrong with asking for or seeking professional help when you are hurting, feeling “stuck,” or just need practical advice an objective, knowledgeable, and non-judgmental source. Coaching and therapy are not synonymous (see Thompson’s site for more detail), but you may benefit very much from either process.
Drs. Tartt and Thompson are both based in Atlanta, GA. To find out more about them and their upcoming events, visit them at their sites (linked at the beginning of this post).